Quest: Snag Hermione Granger
by FountainOfYouth
Summary: “Potter, Weasley!” He stalked up to them and thrust his wand up Potter’s nostril. “Tell me everything you know about Granger!” Draco Malfoy has a quest: snag Hermione Granger. This was a quest, one brought on by her rejection of his crude love declaration
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: A story created based on J.K. Rowling's work. Characters and Harry Potter jargon belong to J.K.Rowling.**

**Quest: Snag Hermione Granger  
**

**Chapter One**

Life was pretty straightforward at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He woke up bright and early everyday to take advantage of an empty bathroom before the Head Girl could walk in and disrupt his daily pampering session with his comb and matching tweezers, before heading off to the Great Hall to satiate his delicate stomach of its morning hunger pains.

Breakfast would be a slow affair, with toast, bacon and a glass of pumpkin juice, all between the gossipy paragraphs of "Celebrity Affairs". It was hard to believe that the ex Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge was getting it on with three different women, all young and voluptuous. Honestly, he was a scrawny man who looked old, in fact, too old to be spreading his seed throughout the entire wizarding world. Merlin knows that the world would only be able to handle one Cornelius Fudge at a time.

His grand exit from the hall would be carried out after his meal, and if he was lucky, a few _unfortunate_ but not life threatening incidents involving unsuspecting Gryffindors would occur. These incidents were always a killer to his stomach, threatening to ruin his pompous and arrogant but well respected image by making him double up, laughing like no other Malfoy has ever laughed before.

Lessons were attended and Gryffindor pride was shattered by his stunning insults that were continuously being hurled towards the boisterous bunch. Younger students looked up at him with respect and awe as he swept imperiously down the hallways towards his next class, and the Golden Trio… Yes, they were made of some tough nuts. It was always a challenge to bring them down, but down they did go. Nothing was ever too challenging for a Malfoy.

Girls swooned at the sight of him, and fought to sit next to him during dinner. In fact, he was so popular with the ladies that a fan club had been established to celebrate his Adonis-like qualities. Homework was completed at a grade O for Outstanding level, and study sessions were held to ensure that he was number one. Or close to it, damn you Granger.

And that was life at Hogwarts.

But today was different. Today was a Saturday, and a Hogsmeade weekend. The school had been drained as its students clambered into carriages which rattled down the road towards the village. And he would have gone with them, if not for the important task he had set himself for today. The school was empty except for a few teachers and students, granting him the privacy he needed for this task.

He stepped delicately through the library's double doors, ignoring the suspicious glares that Madam Pince was directing his way. He was Head Boy; shouldn't that at least deserve a little trust? He breathed in deeply, taking in the smell of books and preparing himself for what was to come. This was going to take a lot out of him, but he would carry it through. Malfoy's always carried it through, so shoot him if he wasn't one.

Draco Malfoy stalked across the carpeted floor, weaving deftly through the hundreds of shelves. He cursed at Hermione Granger. Why on earth would she pick the most secluded place in the library? It was the furthest away from the entrance of the library, it was dark, and it required climbing _stairs_ to reach it. Stairs! He snorted. As if he didn't have to climb enough stairs already, but this was ridiculous. Who wanted to climb up and down stairs every time they needed a book from the first floor, or needed to go to the bathroom?

He marched up the staircase and navigated his way through more shelves before reaching the corner furthest away from Madam Pince. He stepped towards the chair adorned by brown curls and some muggle clothing, tugged it out and positioned himself in front of the Head Girl, the only other student as highly respected as him. If he had to give his opinion though, the students of Hogwarts respected him just a little bit more than this slip of a girl.

Draco mentally cackled at the startled expression on her face.

"Malfoy, what on earth?"

He leaned over her, pushing her back further into her chair.

"Granger, I can't hold myself back any more. I've waited an eternity for this day, until I could tell you. To me, your face against that infamous bush growing out of your head is like the rose among its leaves, the gem embedded in the rock of a mine. My heart pounds as loudly as the largest waterfall on earth when I see your figure among the mob of students in the corridor. Shall I describe it to you? Your figure, almost always surrounded by the standard black school robes… Can you see that image? Isn't it beautiful? Can't you see how much you mean to me? All I want is for you to be by my side. That is all I ask. Hermione Granger, will you be mine?"

He gazed into her eyes as he silently congratulated himself for his very heart warming, simile filled monologue and waited for her answer.

Did his speech hold so much emotion that it could even stun Hermione Granger into silence? Yes, of course. He patted himself once more on the back, proud of his achievement. She opened her mouth and he readied himself to embrace Granger's acceptance of his love for her.

"Malfoy that has got to be the crudest, corniest declaration of love I have ever come across."

She looked up at him in disbelief, her lips almost on the verge of smiling.

"If I didn't know you, I would have taken it all to be an insult. You have to try harder than that if you want to win a girl's heart. Your latest crush will have her image of you destroyed by those words you spewed out of your mouth not a minute ago. Now move. I need to finish my Charms essay. Go find a romantic novel of some sort and educate yourself. The next girl you say that to will run the length of this castle sixty times before feeling sane enough to confront you again.

She pushed him out of her way and dragged her chair back towards the table.

He trembled. The nerve of her! What kind of Head Girl was she if she couldn't even recognise that he was telling the truth? He growled in frustration and hurled himself into the nearest vacant chair. He watched her scribbling away on the parchment.

Wasn't she feeling the slightest remorse for hurting his feelings? He pouted and crossed his arms, eyeing her like a hawk. She continued to write. He began to wiggle around in his chair, stomping his feet against the floor, clenching and unclenching his hands and throwing heated glares at her.

Moments later, she threw down her quill.

"Malfoy, your princess fits are distracting me! Would you at least stop until I finish my essay?"

"No."

He petulantly turned his head away from her, still watching her from the corner of his eye.

"I can't believe you Granger. I was telling the truth and you just brush me off. That was my heart on the line! My red, bleeding, pumping heart!"

His pout grew even bigger.

"You have got to be joking Malfoy. There's no way you could be telling the truth. We've been at each other's throats for six years!"

"What can I say Granger? Opposites attract."

He waggled his eyebrows at her, showing his pearly whites.

"Stop it! You don't even know me!"

"I've known you for six years, two months and twenty seven days."

"We've been fighting for six years you pompous git, and we've only really known each other for three months!"

"Two months and twenty seven days."

"What? Fine, you pedantic freak of nature! Two months and twenty seven days! What can you find out about someone in two months and twenty seven days?"

"Everything."

"Alright then, what is my mother's name?"

Draco paused, his eyes slowly looking up towards the ceiling.

"Ah hah! So you don't know!"

"I do too know! I just can't remember it now…"

"You don't know, therefore you can't possibly have feelings for me."

She beamed at him and picked up her quill.

Draco gave her a hurt look. There she went again, brushing him aside. How would she know what he felt for her?

"I'll show you that I was telling the truth Granger. I'll show you that I really do know you!"

He stood up and stalked out of their corner, glaring over his shoulder at the bent back of his love interest.

"I know you Granger. I know you."

* * *

He stormed down the corridor the next day, his view of the world closing in on two select individuals. 

"Potter, Weasley!"

He stalked up to them and thrust his wand up Potter's nostril.

"Tell me everything you know about Granger!"

He wanted to laugh as Potter pushed the wand away from his face.

"What are you doing Malfoy? Trying to kill someone?"

He glanced surreptitiously down the hallway, checking for eavesdroppers.

"Let me say it again. I want to know everything about Granger."

Weasley spluttered, his eyes widening in realisation before launching himself at Draco hands, flexing and reaching for his neck.

"I knew it! I knew you had something against her! What is it? Tell me now!"

Weasley shook him repeatedly.

"Off you poor excuse of a sane person! Get off! And keep in mind that the pun was very much intended!"

Draco pushed him off, coughing and adjusting his shirt collar. He pointed his wand at Weasley, ready to shove it up another nostril if the need arose.

"I know you won't believe it, considering who I am and who you are… but I like Gra – hey don't move! I've got a wand here! Don't make me use it unless you really want to share germs with Potter!"

He paused, brandishing his wand in a threatening manner.

"Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case… The both of you are so chummy towards each other that I can actually start to believe 'Celebrity Affairs' and its column about you two eloping to Hawaii and adopting a baby to complete your nuclear family…"

Draco shook his head, discarding those disturbing thoughts.

"Right, well. I hope you guys had a nice honeymoon. Now I want to know everything about Granger."

"Yeah well, what's in it for us Malfoy? Why should we help you? Hermione's our best friend!"

"I have things that you can only dream about."

"What? You're bribing us?"

Their nostrils flared simultaneously in rage.

"Stop it, you freakish beings. You'll definitely like what I have to offer."

He raised an eyebrow at them suggestively.

"…Malfoy! Stop trying to come on to us!"

"I'm not! I only want to tempt you with my goods!"

"Stop it, you're making me sick!"

"Not those goods you dunderheads! Weasley! Look at this!"

Draco held out the sweat stained Quidditch robes of Chudley Canons keeper Justin Wickleburn.

"And see here, it's even signed by him. You can have it if you can gather information for me."

Potter shook his head at his friend and tried to hold him back. Weasley was slowly reaching out for the robes, his mouth slightly open as if to taste the sweat of one of the members of his favourite Quidditch team.

"Don't do it Ron. It's not worth Hermione."

"I wouldn't say that if I were you Potter. Look here, I've got a picture of Ginerva Weasley that you'll spend the rest of your life drooling over."

Draco could almost see the light that flicked on in Potter's head and he could definitely see the scarred boy stand up straighter however small the movement was. He handed over the photograph and watched those green eyes widen behind their glasses, and the blush that rose to those cheeks.

He grinned, laughter rolling off him in waves. Yes, Potter was becoming all hot and bothered from staring at the female Weasley's exposed thigh as she crossed her legs. He was probably gaining an erection from seeing the top buttons of her shirt undone, and he would most likely end up wetting himself if he saw her lick her lips one more time after sucking her sugar quill.

And the sight of Ron Weasley turning blue from self-suffocation brought on by rage almost sent him over the edge.

**TBC**

**So um… What do you reckon? **


	2. Chapter 2

**Draco's Never Ending Quest to Snag Hermione Granger**

**Chapter Two**

They jostled each other about as they attempted to squeeze into the dark, decrepit broom cupboard. He could feel bodies pressing up against his length as he fought to breathe despite the foreign hair being pushed up into his nose. It was way too hot in there he decided. Someone had to take the initiative in a situation like this and it might as well be him since he _was_ a Malfoy. Malfoys were born to lead no matter whether their followers were scarred freaks of nature or whether they were a reincarnation of a tomato with very distinctive human features. Malfoys were born to lead anyone and everyone.

And that probably explained why he felt so ashamed of his old man. Why did he choose to follow rather than lead? And the thought of following someone who was a half-blooded megalomaniac made his skin crawl and break out in sweat… If only the Dark Lord would invest in some manicure sessions, or maybe a pair of shoes to cover those hideous, misshapen toenails. He'd probably gain three times the amount of followers if he took the appropriate action.

Draco focused on his present situation once more – three men in a broom closet. He raised his arms and allowed his hands to grope wildly before him, trying to find a hold onto something.

"H-H-Hey! Stop it! You're touching my inappropriate places so stop it!"

"Potter, no one wants to know who's groping you at the moment, and no one wants to know why your inappropriate places are located around your torso so-"

"So you're the one who's touching me!"

"No I'm not! Potter, who do you think I am? I'm a Malfoy, and Malfoy's don't aim to touch anyone but themselves! I've degraded myself enough by just being in here with you two, so don't assume that I'm touching anybody!"

"But you said that my inappropriate places are located around my torso! How would you know that's where I'm being touched?"

"Because from my point of view, that's the easiest place to reach out in front of you while you're lost in a dark, dank broom closet. Do I really need to explain everything to you Potter? And Potter, I doubt anyone would want to grope you even if they had the worst case of achluophobia and were trapped in a broom closet like this one."

"What? Achlu-"

"Fear of darkness."

Draco continued to find something to latch onto within the dark, ignoring Potter's shrieks as his hands closed around something firm and very broad. He breathed out in relief. As a Malfoy, he wasn't frightened of the dark, though you could say that he wasn't all too fond of it either.

"Potter, I command you to make a light, and Weasley, prepare to find me a chair. This is business gentlemen, and business requires me to be in the utmost comfortable position that is possible under the present circumstances."

He coughed delicately and waited.

"_Lumos._"

Light flared from the tip of Potter's wand and the three men gasped in horror.

"You're groping me, Malfoy."

Draco stared at his hands in disbelief, jerking away from the vermin that his hands were clamped upon just seconds ago. Merlin, he was going to faint. Touching Potter. Faint. Potter. Touching. Shiver.

"And what is your explanation for this Malfoy?"

Weasley stood with his hands on his hips, glaring down at him.

"No need to become so overprotective Weasley, though that is sufficient evidence enough of your relationship with Potter here… but no, I was not trying to steal your man away."

He stood up straight and regally began to brush himself off, thinking hard about the situation.

"I was just making sure that I wasn't ahead of Potter in terms of… uh… man-boobs."

"I do not have man-boobs!"

"Don't kid with me Potter, every man has man-boobs."

"Well, just so you know, they aren't big!"

"Weasley, getting into places you shouldn't be huh? Naughty. I never took you for the type."

"…Malfoy, look at me in that way again and I'll tell Hermione of your evil plans to overpower and dominate her."

"You wouldn't dare Weasley!"

"Try me!"

Draco huffed. A Weasley getting the better of him. Unheard of. Ludicrous. Ridiculous.

"Weasley, I am not interested in you in any kind of way. Why do you think we're here? Granger. So take a seat gentlemen and let's start business."

They turned over some empty buckets and sat down but not without the two Gryffindors edging their buckets away from him, all while shooting him suspicious glares.

"Welcome to "Snag Hermione Granger" Group Meeting number one. Let me explain the aims of these meetings."

"Malfoy, we know why we're here so please, feel free to skip over your intro anytime soon."

"Shut it Potter. Now, as you know, I like Granger. As such, I will need as much information about her as possible to be able to make her mine. I declare myself the president of these secret meetings. Weasley, you can be the secretary and Potter, you'll be our audience."

"Malfoy, there will be no president or secretary or audience."

"There will be Potter."

"No, there won't be."

"If I say there will be one, it will happen."

"I have the information on Hermione."

"Well I have the picture of your lovely little Weasley."

"Then we're even."

"Fine."

Draco glared at him through the slits made by his eyelids. Who ever heard of a group without a president anyway.

"It's no wonder your brood of worshippers are running rampant around the school Potter – they don't have a president to lead them and make the appropriate decisions! Haven't you ever wondered why you've never had an annual 'Worship Harry Potter Ten Times the Norm' day with Harry Potter plush toys, figurines and accessories?"

"Well it's not like you've had the same Malfoy!"

"Shut it Weasley, you know that's not true! I've seen that 'Luv Draco' badge pinned to the inside of your pencil case, don't deny it! (Potter: Ron, how could you!) I do have a day in celebration of me, it just hasn't become official yet. Currently, the president of my fan club is sending around a petition to make it a national holiday, so you just wait and see! The both of you! That'll show you the importance of a president!"

"Look Malfoy, no president and that's final! I don't want to argue with you about this right now."

"No of course you wouldn't Potter, you're eyes are all set on that little photograph, isn't that right?"

Draco sneered and pulled the photograph out of his pocket, holding it just out of reach of Potter's twitching fingers.

"Yes Potter, I know you want it but first, give me what I want and remember, nothing said in this room leaves this room."

"Fine, whatever. So you want to know more about Hermione."

"Yes. Tell me how to get her attention."

"I know an excellent way Malfoy. Just act like the annoying, spoilt little brat you are and you're bound to attract her attention for sure."

"Stuff it Ron, don't ruin this for me."

"That's my sister you dolt! I don't want you ogling my sister!"

"Do you want your precious shirt or not?"

Draco hid a grin as the Weasley leaned back into the mops in resignation. Battle won and what a wonderful way to do it. A rift between friends – more than just friends really, if he could say so himself.

"Hurry up and spill, the both of you. Remember, everything you know about Granger, else no shirt or worse… no photograph."

He cackled evilly to himself as Potter let out a pained groan escape his lips. Yes, there is a lot at stake here Potter. Tread carefully.

"Alright Malfoy. Here," Draco watched as Potter brought out a thick stack of parchment, "this is all the information we could think of on Hermione. Her families, likes and dislikes, where she lives, her past relationships, her a-"

Draco sat up on his bucket in alarm.

"Hold it Potter! Past relationships? Did you say past relationships?"

"No duh Malfoy. Hermione's not all that terrible looking you know."

"What are you talking about you scumbag! She's beautiful! Is your vision like, impaired or something?"

The silence which enveloped the closet was deafening as all three turned to look at the glasses perched on the end of Potter's nose.

"That was one stupid question Malfoy."

"Zip it Weasley. You will all forget I ever asked that question."

"As if Malfoy, that's a testament to your intelligence. We're not going to forget that anytime soon."

"You will forget it Weasley, or no shirt for you!"

"That wasn't in the bargain you prick!"

"I will choose what is or isn't in the bargain you infuriating little red head!"

"Well Malfoy, it's decided that you don't want our help after all."

"No wait! Fine, don't forget it, but don't think you can go around telling everyone about this! Remember what I said at the beginning? Nothing said in this room leaves this room!"

The two Gryffindors eyed each other in regret while Draco observed them in glee.

"Yep, nothing leaves this room."

"Fine Malfoy, you dirty player."

"Well, pass it over then."

The stack of parchment was exchanged for the photograph and the shirt. Draco flipped through the pages of messy handwriting while Potter eyed every detail in the photograph and Weasley held the shirt up to his nose.

* * *

**Your Guide to Everything Hermione Granger**

**Preface**

In these following pages, you will find out what you have never before known about one Hermione Granger. These pages will reveal to you the facts of her life as well as give you an insight as to who she really is under her bookworm exterior (though you might find that well… she's pretty transparent at times, so don't be surprised if the bookworm exterior is all you'll see of her. We've come to the conclusion that Hermione Granger the bookworm is indeed… Hermione Granger… but no worries! Hermione Granger the bookworm is an extremely fascinating specimen who will amuse you to no end once you become more intimate with her).

You'll find that the facts of Hermione Granger's life will be located at the front of this very intriguing book compiled by Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley. Though at first glance, the book may appear to be in some semblance of order, you will soon find that there is no order at all. The writers of this magnificent work of art have set down all they know of Hermione Granger in the order that their memories of her appeared in their heads and as such, ask you to not be alarmed at the lack of order in the following pages.

This book will contain all that the authors' have managed to obtain from the heroine who is the subject of this wonderful manuscript. As this is a work in progress (because Hermione Granger will always be a work in progress, no doubt about it – she's very ambitious you know, and always wants to do new things), new pages will be added to this book as more bribes come in. (We would like to request things relating to Ginevra Molly Weasley, the Chudley Cannons and quidditch accessories among other things. If we have anymore requests, they will be included with the new pages of this book.)

The authors' of this book would like to wish you the best of luck in your navigations around the sea of words that is "Your Guide to Everything Hermione Granger" and hope that you will use their wonderful knowledge to its full extent. They only ask that the user of this book will not inform Hermione Granger about this work in progress to prevent any unnecessary deaths of your fellow Hogwartians by this violent yet all the same, wonderful human being. They also hope that no harm will visit Hermione Granger as a result of this book. If such event does occur, the book will be confiscated by the authors as soon as it is possible and other unwanted actions may occur to the user depending on the temperament of the authors (it's almost a given as the author's are Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley).

So again, the authors' would like to wish you the best of luck in your pursuit of Hermione Granger.

**Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley  
**

* * *

Draco looked up at the two Gryffindorks sitting before him.

"I'm surprised with you two, really. I wasn't aware you knew what a preface is."

**TBC**

**Sorry its so late guys! But well, its terribly difficult for me to pull words out of my head ; Its not one of my greater talents I'm afraid…**

**Anyway, how was this chapter for you lot?**


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